On Her Deathbed
by theweirdworder
Summary: Alanna is dead and Kel feels at fault. With all Alanna's loved ones surrounding her, the memories leading up to Alanna's death flash back to Kel with immense speed.Can Kel accept Alanna's death,and ultimately stand up for her actions? One shot.Femmeslash.


Kel stared at Alanna's casket with wide hazel eyes. It was a struggle for her to stand and breathe; she could barely take it all in.

It was raining, fittingly, and the weathermages had predicted that there was going to be a storm. Despite this, the Lioness's funeral was well-attended.

Kel's eyes surveyed her surroundings. Among the attendees, were King Jonathan and Queen Thayet, Alanna's husband, George, Tortall's Chief Mage, Numair Salmalin and his wife, the Wildmage, Alanna's three children, Kel's knight-master, Raoul and Kel's best friend and Alanna's former squire, Neal.

As king and queen, Jonathan and Thayet had to be controlled for their people. However, Thayet was excused early on (for failing to, Kel assumed) and Jonathan was barely keeping it together. A sad, haunted look shadowed his sapphire eyes, and a slight crackle tinted his voice as he spoke (the words of which Kel was not listening to).

Next to the podium he was speaking at were the Chief Mage and the Wildmage, Numair Salmalin and Daine Sarrasri. Daine's face was buried into her husband's shoulder; her husband's eyes were clouded with tears. A little girl no older than five or six years of age and a boy no older than three or four stood on either side of them.

Kel turned her view to Neal, who was right next to her. A look of shock and horror dawned on his face, as tears silently fell down his face.

Not far from the both of them was her former knight-master, Raoul. His tall, burly form was doubled over. A choked, broken sound was emitted from him, one that was the most heart-wrenching sound she had ever heard.

And next to him was her husband, George. He wasn't sobbing as hard as her knight-master but the level of pain and emptiness in his eyes showed that his grief was greater than almost anyone else attending the funeral. It became glaringly obvious that he loved her, and Kel knew that if he knew what his wife and she did together it would crush him. Guilt and grief mixed together in a sickening mixture as Kel remembered...

_Battle was hard, Kel already knew that. She knew the bloody horrors and the helplessness one felt witnessing it. What she didn't know was how gnawing the loneliness of it could be on one's soul. _

_Alanna just happened to be stationed with her. She also happened to be encountering the same sort of loneliness._

_Alanna groaned and stretched. ''Nothing like aging to prove to you how hard knighthood is on the body. You're lucky that you're still young, Kel.'' _

_Kel smiled. ''I guess I am,'' she said. _

_For a moment, there was silence before Kel blurted, ''I miss home.'' _

_''I do, too.'' _

_Alanna smiled sadly as a lost look flashed over her. ''My daughter just had triplets. I wouldn't have been there anyway but...'' _

_''You would have liked to know that you might have been.'' _

_''Yeah. We didn't really get along, when she was growing up. I always wondered why the reason I couldn't connect with her had to do with that I was never there enough to.'' _

_''I just adopted a boy.'' _

_''Really?'' _

_''I wasn't planning to but... I found him with a master who mistreated him. He didn't have anyone else, so I really felt I didn't have much of a choice.'' _

_Kel paused for a moment and the same sort of look flashed across her face. _

_''Do you have anyone you're courting?'' Alanna asked. _

_''Not at the moment. I had someone but... He had to marry someone else, or his fief would starve.'' _

_''I'm sorry.'' _

_''Don't be,'' Kel said, ''I didn't have any feelings for him by that point.'' _

_''You'll find someone, one day,'' Alanna said, ''even if you don't think that.'' _

_Kel let a small smile appear on her face. ''Maybe,'' Kel said, ''but I'm not too concerned with that right now.'' _

_For a moment, there was silence. _

_''I miss him,'' Alanna admitted, her eyes growing sadder ''I miss him so much when I'm gone. Sometimes I miss him so much that I feel I'd give up my whole knighthood just so that I'd never have to feel this way again. Of course, I really don't want to do that but...'' _

_Silence pursued again, and then Kel... She did something that still shocked her now. She reached out for Alanna, and... _kissed_ her. _

_To her great surprise, Alanna kissed her back. _

_Whether it was passionate love or desperate need that burned within them, Kel did not know. But some fire burned bright and hot within them, as their kisses blazed hot on each others' lips and skin and heart. At that moment, neither of them cared about the consequences their actions would bring or the next morning... The fact that being with each other, the proof that they were not alone bore too strongly in their souls for them to let each other go. _

_Before she knew it, her shirt and breeches were shed on the ground, and Alanna was moving toward her.... _

_In that moment, Kel knew something had changed inside of her and between them forever..._

Kel felt as if she was going to hurl, with the memory throbbing so hard. As if that wasn't bad enough, she still had the _other memory_ in her head:

_About a week afterward, there was a raid with the Scanrans. It was completely unexpected and chaotic; there wasn't enough knights at the scene. _

_The Scanran troops were about to go in on them. Kel was fighting at one end, but she was outnumbered. She felt them close in on her, and a sudden knowledge filled her. _

I am going to die, _she thought_, I am going to die. I'm going to die. I'm going to die.

_The thought pulsed hard within her, as she tried desperately to fight them off. _

_Somewhere from the other side, she felt Alanna's violet eyes hot on her, as she galloped over to help her. _

_She interfered, and the thought slowly ebbed away from her. _

_Then a Scanran took them both by surprise and jabbed his sword in Alanna's stomach. _

_Blood, so much blood, instantly oozed out of her and covered the ground that surrounded her. _

_She went over to Alanna, horror-stricken, as she bled to death on the battlefield. _

_''It's a belly wound,'' Alanna said, her voice hoarse. _

_''I'm resistant to healings anyway,'' she added._

_The horror in Kel worsened, but she couldn't let it sink in. She had to believe that Alanna was going to live; she had to stay calm and get her to healers. ''I have to get you up,'' Kel insisted. _

_''No,'' Alanna whispered, her voice growing even weaker. _

_Kel ignored her, and stripped the cloth from her tunic, in a vain attempt to stop the gushing blood. _

_''Tell George I love them, and that I'm sorry I didn't get a chance to come home,'' she said. Her voice so low that I could barely hear her and Kel felt her hot breath on her face 'And tell Thom and Aly and Alan that, too,'' she added. _

_'' And Kel, I...'' her eyebrow furrowing. _

_Kel would never know what Alanna had to say. At that instant, the consciousness from her faded; her eyes closed and her head fell to the side. _

_Kel took instant action, knowing in her soul that it was too late. _

_Finally the last of the blood trickled out of her, along with Alanna's life, and then her wound went dry. _

_Kel felt horror and guilt, as she felt Alanna's blood dry on her hands. _

Up until this, point Kel had blocked out the memories. Her insides swarmed with the onslaught of guilt and grief she was feeling. She felt as if she was going to vomit it all up, and then collapse from the effort of it.

Suddenly, she started to sob.

''I'm sorry.''

She whispered it at first. But then as it settled within her, it consumed her with its veracity.

''I'm sorry,'' she repeated again, this time louder.

''I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so, so sorry. I'm sorry!'' Each cry increased in volume, until the last one became a full-fledged shriek.

The funeral processions stopped, and all at it stared at her.

''I'm the reason,'' Kel said through her sobs, ''I'm the reason she's dead. I should be here now.''

She turned to George. ''And I...''

She tried to say it, tried to admit to him that she slept with his wife before she died but... The words just couldn't come out.

''I'm so, so, so sorry,'' she said instead.

Neal turned to her, gripping her arm. ''This isn't your fault,'' he said to her.

''Yes it is,'' she whispered, her voice hoarse and distant, ''and...''

She once again tried to admit what happened between them, but couldn't.

So she ran. She ran from the evidence of what she had done and the direct consequences of it. She ran, her hot tears streamed down from her face and falling to the ground. She ran, leaving all the bewildered, grieving faces behind her.

**A/N Okay.... A bit sad, I know, but I didn't know what else to do for a Kel/Alanna. Now, I have to give credit to Daughter of Nature, for giving me the idea to do this pairing in the first place. I thought it was interesting, so I had to work it. I've been writing this for a while now, squishing it between In Her Darkest Hour and Telling Neal. Please review. **


End file.
